Moriarty & Dee, Attorneys in Buffalo, New York specializing in matrimonial and employment law.

Wyoming County Courthouse,
Warsaw, New York

Do's and Dont's For Divorce:

HOW TO PREPARE FOR DIVORCE

DO'S

1. KNOW YOUR OWN MIND. If you are unsure whether you want a divorce or separation, seek the advice of those closest to you--friends, relatives, priest, minister, rabbi--or the advice of a trained professional or agency. There are many individuals and agencies capable of providing divorce counseling. Do not hesitate to use them.

2. KNOW YOUR LEGAL RIGHTS. Obtain legal advice from a competent, reputable matrimonial lawyer. For most people going through divorce, the experience is the most important piece of litigation in which they will be involved in their lifetime. Competent legal counsel is an absolute necessity.

3. READ ABOUT DIVORCE. There are many books and articles written on the subject of divorce. General reading on the subject will make you aware of issues, trends, directions and approaches to marital problems.

Some recommended books:

- The Parents Book About Divorce, Richard A. Gardner, Bantam Books.

- Surviving The Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope With Divorce, Judith S. Wallerstein & Joan Berlin Kelly, Harper Books.

- Marital Separation, Robert S. Weiss, Basic Books.

- Creative Divorce, Mel Krantzler, Signet Books.

- Woman & The Law in New York State, The Foundation for Citizen Education of the League of Woman Voters of New York State.

For a more extensive reading list, click here, or visit the self-help section of any good bookstore.

4. CONCENTRATE ON THE IMPORTANT ISSUES : Custody; maintenance and child support; ownership, use and possession of the family home; distribution or property; award of pension interest.

5. MAKE COPIES OF ALL FINANCIAL INFORMATION PERTINENT TO THE FAMILY EXPENSES, EMPLOYMENT AND BUSINESS, IF ANY. Keep copies of income tax returns, real estate records, debts, household expenses, canceled checks and check ledgers, and any and all other financial records. Help your attorney to help you by keeping records of banks, brokerages and other financial institutions your spouse receives mail from. It is much easier to get information from an account or source you know about. For a typical list of documents of which you should obtain copies, click here.

6. TELL YOUR LAWYER ABOUT UNUSUAL FINANCIAL DEALINGS YOU ARE AWARE OF. If your spouse is in business for himself and household expenses are paid through the business account, for example, make note of it and bring it to your lawyer's attention. If there are two sets of books for the family business, again, bring it to your lawyer's attention.

7. PREPARE A MARITAL HISTORY. There are some cases--custody proceedings and cases where the grounds for divorce themselves might be contested--where it is particularly important to have an accurate history of the marital relationship. A typed, neatly printed or neatly written summary of the problems in the marriage, going back as many years as is necessary, will be of great assistance to your attorney in preparing the documents necessary to present your case for divorce or custody to the court. Reconstructing a marriage can be a time-consuming matter. The best way for you to help your attorney to help you is to prepare a summary of important incidents in the marriage, in chronological order, beginning with the onset of marital problems and continuing to the present time. Be as specific and detailed as possible. Ask your attorney for guidance regarding the nature and type of information he seeks for your particular case.

If you are engaged in a custody contest, keep a diary of present happenings also. Prepare a summary of the relative chores and responsibilities of you and your spouse in relation to the children. Be prepared to detail exactly who takes what responsibility with respect to schooling, homework, meals, getting the children off to school, getting them home from school, putting them to bed, taking them to hockey, dance lessons, field trips, and so forth. Again, rely on your lawyer to cue you to what is important in the particular kind of litigation in which you are involved.

8. GAIN/INCREASE YOUR EARNING POWER. Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, plan to enter the job market if you are not already employed, or plan to upgrade your skills and earning power if you are presently working. It is a rare divorce that does not lower the standard of living at least a little bit, and sometimes the change can be drastic. Be prepared to bring more income into the home.

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DONT'S

1. AVOID LEGAL ADVICE FROM NON-LAWYERS. Your friends, neighbors and others mean well but their having gone through a divorce, or their knowing someone who has, is no substitute for the advice of an experienced matrimonial lawyer.

2. DON'T FOCUS ON THE MINOR OR UNIMPORTANT ISSUES. Put the grounds for divorce behind you, if at all possible. That is easier advice to give than it is to take, but nonetheless it is very good advice. You cannot live in the past. Seek counseling if the emotional issues continue to trouble you.

3. LEAVE THE CHILDREN OUT OF IT. Children are always affected by divorce. The degree to which they are affected is largely up to you and your spouse. Don't argue or even discuss stressful issues in front of them. Don't use them as confidants.

4. LASTLY, DON'T ASSUME BY THE TONE AND TENOR OF THIS MATERIAL THAT EVERY DIVORCE IS WAR. Not by a long shot is that true. Many people go through divorce easily and successfully, with a minimum of friction, and even remain friends. Divorce need not be difficult, or expensive. If you are prepared for divorce mentally and emotionally you can get over the financial and legal hurdles with the help of those who are close to you and competent counsel.

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