Moriarty & Dee, Attorneys in Buffalo, New York specializing in matrimonial and employment law.

Allegany County Courthouse,
Belmont, New York

Ten Commandments of Post-Divorce Parents:

The following advice is from the Hon. Norman E. Joslin, J.S.C., State of New York, based on his many years of experience in the matrimonial courts of the State of New York.

Children of divorce are deprived of support and stability precisely when their need is greatest... if you really are about your child, you should take the following steps which require courage, intelligence and unselfishness.

Divorce and conflict go hand in hand. Children of divorce are deprived of support and stability precisely when their need is the greatest. After the fight over money, property and support, the parties need to pick up the pieces and go on with constructive parenting. Unless you are prepared to make sensible adjustments and get on with your life, the divorce will have accomplished nothing. If you really care about your child, you should take the following steps which require courage, intelligence and unselfishness:

1. Forget the negatives of the past and focus on the positives of the future. Every successful athlete wins by ignoring previous errors and injuries and focuses on future performance. Nursing the indignities of the past will hurt you and damage the relationship with your child.

2. Build up your child's self-esteem.Failure and guilt makes winners into losers. Dwelling on offenses and regrets will create an atmosphere of defeat. Your child needs to hear he or she can make it. Tell a child he is a loser and he will become one. Praise and support builds self-confidence.

3. Remember your divorced partner is the father or mother of your child.Your child is an awesome blend of the traits and talents of two distinctive personalities. Every child starts out with a built-in loyalty to both parents. Attack a parent and you wound the child. If your ex-spouse is a louse, your child will find it out without your help. Your antagonism can drive your child into the arms of the other parents.

4. Provide a positive role model. Most family problems develop because "parents do not practice what they preach." The greatest gift you can now give to your child is a display of optimism and forgiveness. If your lifestyle reflects an embittered reaction to your ex-partner, then your ex-partner will exercise a measure of continuing control. If you set yourself on the high road, your children will be drawn to you.

5. Review shared episodes of family joy and humor. The past surely had its positives. Relive the crisis that became a source of success or amusement. Laugh at some of your inconsistencies and mistakes. Accept your own fallibility and fault. Recall that first birthday, the picnic or camp-out in the rain, the best and worst family vacation, that dash to the hospital, a special graduation or celebration... All this will give you perspective and the ability to thoughtfully reminisce and communicate.

6. Develop a respectful friendship with your ex-partner. Your child was conceived because you as parents experienced a time of ecstasy and tenderness that should never be defamed. The bitterness of divorce should not be allowed to rob a man and woman of that special joy they once shared in the miracle of conception and birth. Individuals who have shared the best, as well as the worst, in life should be able to fashion a respectful relationship. Recognize the spiritual dimension of your previous marriage and cultivate a charitable attitude. Parenthetically, remember that children can be manipulative, so don't allow the child to play one parent against the other and use the divorce to his advantage. Resolve that you will work together for the child's overall best interest.

7. Remember this is the first day of the rest of your life, and, free from a troubled marriage, you have an opportunity to establish a creative, new relationship with your child. Even as a good married life requires discipline, so does a good single life or remarriage. The personal troubles you had in the marriage will continue unless you yourself accept moral responsibility and reorient your life around proper discipline.

8. Seek honest advice, assess your mistakes and embrace change. Many who willingly seek and accept medical help irrationally reject counseling and help for emotional problems--problems which can be far more serious and disabling. The wise and mature seek professional help when needed.

9. Make visitation a happy experience. Do you like people who make you feel good--people who are not complainers? Your child is no different, so let by-gones be by-gones. In custody and visitation, let graciousness replace hostility. Respect the timetable and commitments of your child and the other parent. Alcohol and drugs are a most troubling factor in divorce and family problems. "Drinking and parenting" can be more serious than "drinking and driving."

10.Finally, create a healthy post-divorce environment by dealing in positives. Plan ahead, be reasonable, and provide for "quality time" with your child. Your life and the life of your child have eternal significance and value.

HON. NORMAN E. JOSLIN, J.S.C.

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